The Day I Can Never Forget

Ahhhhh..it's Nov 5...Denise and Daddy's birthday! Sad and Happy day at the same damn time. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I can't believe she was only 27...only you know Lord. 

Great things happened last month...vacation in Jersey...new car..I'm absolutely grateful. I just wish i had my friend to share it all with. And to top it off, another friend i saw only 3 weeks ago was murdered. 

WHAT IS LIFE????

Death walks in and takes over, leaving us curled up in a corner questioning ourselves...am I living right? Is someone gonna come and kill me today? It's really hard not to be fearful because ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!  

As the day draws to a close I can only embrace the memories of the wonderful birthdays we had together. I know the birthday hairstyle would have been off the chain and she would definitely be messaging me talking about the lack of birthday sex while sipping a beer. 

I miss u Denise...Love you forever! 

What do we do now?

As I sat in the church and listened to the remembrances being read I couldn't help but wonder if we knew Denise more than her actual family did. I watched as Carla broke down and left the church, as Faith gave a little cheer to the congregation with jokes from her conversations with Denise. Then i went up....my mind became so blank. What do I say? So many lovely memories to relay because she had forbidden us from singing at her funeral...it wasn't supposed to be so soon though. I didn't tell them of the times she stayed up to watch me study because she knew after 2 pages i would fall asleep...I didn't tell them that if she called me crying I would go to her no matter where I was or what time it was...I didn't tell them about the nights we went out with only $500 in our pockets. No matter what we did, a good time was definitely a guarantee.

I wish I could go back and share all I had to share but the service is over...I stood there as they lowered her casket. (her makeup was gorgeous by the way...not her style but she would have loved it) The sun was out and the tears and sweat were pouring down my cheeks. As I stood there n watched as they covered her I noticed that Stacy and Faith needed me. I had to be strong for them because that's just the type of person that I am. 

It finally dawned on me that we weren't punked. She was actually gone..the ply then the steel then the cement...I stood there n watched for what seemed like hours. It was the ultimate goodbye! 

How will I help the tears from falling everytime I think about her, everytime I see Anna or Yana, her mother, her pictures, her twitter page? I can only pray that the peace of mind that I long for will bring me to a place where things make sense again...where I wake up and go to work and feel that my presence is being felt and purpose served. Being in the lives of those girls is my greatest challenge now. They need to know how wonderful their mother was and who better to do it that us.

Until then...we reminisce!

YOKI

And just when I thought that God has realized how much I have suffered and my peace of mind was finally reestablishing itself..........

RIP Denise Lee, August 6, 2013

Can you even begin to imagine the pain i'm feeling? You never know how much you want to talk to someone until the space they were occupying in your life is empty. No one knew me the way she did nor understood me...maybe my mother does a little bit but that's about it. Takes about 5 years to crack this nut and I think she successfully did it in 2.

The tears aren't pouring as I expected. Time after time I used to think what I would do if something was to happen to my oreo (i'm the cream). We would sit and joke about it saying that when we were living together (she would put me up since she knew i would be forever alone), we would sit and watch sex and the city reruns and run a golden age home for rich old men. 

Her imagination was out of this world not to mention those facial expressions..she invented them all. She was my joy and I was her backbone...who needs a better friendship than that? I was selfish with her, I must admit. Sharing her was the hardest thing I ever had to do especially with someone who made her start to lose herself. 

I sometimes question God as to why this has happened so soon because we know that death is inevitable but I'm thrilled that she left a piece of her with us...2 beautiful pieces actually, Anna and Ayana. Sooooo..what's next for me? I have to move on from this...put a smile on my face and pretend. It's gonna be really hard since almost everything I watch or listen reminds me of her. 

To the one who can never be replaced...sleep well..u been asking for the rest for about 2 years now. I'll try not to jump in the hole when they are putting u down there nor allow Faith to. You will never be forgotten!